Please stop stealing my time with my friends and my weekends with my husband!
Fatigue and I have been inseparable for many, many years now. I honestly can’t remember the last time that felt completely energized and refreshed. I have come to think of it as living my life on a broken gas tank. A gas tank that can never be filled completely and also one with a leak.
One of the hardest parts of fibromyalgia is learning to slow down. Each and every day, I must consider those things that need to get done and weigh that against how much energy I have. On good days, I can get everything done with some energy to spare to do something fun. On bad days (which are more often than the good), I have just enough energy to do the most important things then I immediately get home and crash. On the worst days, I don’t even have the energy to get out of bed.
Lately, my fatigue has been pretty bad. Nap two or three times a day bad and still feel like I haven’t slept at all. Last night, I fell asleep at 10 pm. I woke up at about 7:30 am. By about 11 am, I could feel the exhaustion starting to take over. I tried to fight it for as long as I could but by 11:30 am I was asleep again. I woke up at about 1 pm. As I sit here writing this, it is 8 pm, and I am ready to call it a night.
As much as I try to fight it, I am always exhausted. Deeply and profoundly exhausted. I’ve tried going to a sleep clinic and trying all sorts of tricks to improve my sleep hygiene, but it has all failed. More than anything the fatigue makes me feel helpless.
Pain is awful, but chronic fatigue is a million times worse. How can you sleep for hours and still wake up feeling the same heaviness and sluggishness you felt when you went to bed? How many times can you turn down an invitation to hang out because you are too tired before people stop inviting you to hang out? How do you not feel guilty about sleeping for hours of the weekend away that you should have been spending with your husband?